If I could do it all over again

I have this sinking feeling inside of my stomach a lot of the time. You know that feeling that you just can’t shake, the small whispering in your ear that says “Hey slacker, you’re only reaching about 1% of your potential.” Well this nagging voice has been very present in my head, especially recently.

I must admit right now that I have become a real stalker, not the scary one in your bushes, but the one reading all of your blogs. Reading about your failures but also reading about your triumphant successes and it really has got me wondering as to how I can make this short life of mine significant. As most of you know this past year of my life has been insanely eventful. I moved to Sydney,  got sealed to the love of my life   (most of you can attest to his amazingness – ok I know I’m biased), became a mother (step mother for those of you that are doing the math right now), been in and out of several jobs and tried to keep an orderly home… trying being the operative word). But despite all of this I still feel painfully inadequate.

So in Lieu of worrying about regretting wasted time, I’m writing a list. This list is a list of the kind of person I want to be or key words I want to hear in a eulogy about me.

– I want to be an excellent wife – always known for respecting and loving my husband and supporting him in all of this church callings. Someone who writes him love notes.  Someone who prays with him every night and morning and ends each with a kiss and an “I love you”.  I want our marriage to be filled with laughter and joy but then when the inevitable sadness hits that I can be his rock. I want to be more creative with birthday and christmas presents because he is so sentimental. I want to become a better peacemaker (sorry my love for putting that role on your shoulders.)

– I want to be a wonderful mother – a mum who always has time for her children, who makes sure that they never learn anything at church that they haven’t learnt at home. I want to always have time for a cuddle and a venting session no matter how minor the hurt. I want to be their rock and  their friend while still being a parent. I want them to know how special they are and the magnificent potential that they have in changing the world around them. I want to know that although not many things are certain in life that I will always be there and that their Heavenly Father will always be there. I want to take them on camping trips and teach them how to do cool things like knit 🙂

– I want to be a fantastic home-maker – I want to have all of my precious photos framed and covering the walls of my home. I want to stay on top of the laundry (or at least a step behind it) and keep the kitchen clean and the bathroom and the carpet. I want to cook wonderful meals every night and set the table (until the kids are old enough) and paint the walls. I want to bake with my children and fill the house with wonderful aromas. I want to create fun and organised Family Home Evenings every week. I want to fulfil my Visiting Teaching every month ON TIME.

– I want to be an interesting individual –  To keep journals and photo albums (and blogs.)  Buy a piano and start learning again and a guitar and a violin and a flute and a cello (ok I know I’m going a little over board now.) I want to learn to speak another language (probably spanish or Finnish.) I want to run a marathon and travel all over Europe. I want to learn to fly a plane and learn how to break dance. I want to be a better writer and singer and to have the ability to write a profoundly interesting novel. I want to be able to read all of Jane Austen’s works further than just the first page and I want to buy a proper camera and take beautiful lasting memories.

Wow that felt great to get off my chest … what a load.  OK OK I know that I’m expecting a whole lot of myself and a girl with this kind of list is bound to disappoint. BUT I have been waiting for so long for my life to start. I keep saying that when I become settled with a family of my very own that I’ll “get with the program” (to quote Oprah) but I feel like the program has raced far ahead and I’m running behind it screaming for it to come back.

I am going to make a valiant effort to keep up with this blog though and even if the only reader is me then just take it for what it is, free counselling…

stay tuned…

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 06:11:22

    welcome back Elly!!! Cant wait to hear about all the achievements to come 🙂

    Reply

  2. Anonymous
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 06:11:48

    hmm should say – this is Erin xoxo

    Reply

  3. Kate Conklin
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 06:16:10

    Yes, that’s an ambitious list, but its good to have a list and to dream big. I think I need a list. Welcome back. Looking forward to many more posts, where I can stalk you this time!

    Reply

  4. ausellebelle
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 06:20:01

    thanks ladies!! it feels really good to be back. I have been really getting into the blogosphere as of late and it feels good to contribute even if it is just a little 🙂

    Reply

  5. Amelia
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 06:43:22

    Yay Elle!! Welcome back to blog land! Well I must say that I could have written that post about myself … mmm maybe not the break dancing (that would be a laugh) … I’ve been writing lists too and my new blog was on that list. Whilst it’s quite different from yours it’s nice to have a journal/record of what’s going on in life. Love you heaps girly XOXO

    Reply

  6. Regan Arthur
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 08:08:27

    Hello my love….Well what can I say to the most amazing woman n the world.. I love you so much and want you to know how special you are. You have become an amazing mother and wife to Ella and I and we are so grateful to have you in our lives. Don’t be fooled everyone Ellen can cook and she feeds me well.
    Baby I love you more than words can say and I know with every sense of my being that you can do anything, it’s just getting you to believe it too.

    Ps I’m the luckiest man in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  7. Rebecca Jones
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 09:17:20

    What excellent goals Ellen. There really is so much brilliant stuff to learn and do and experience. Just don’t expect it to do it all at once – it’s the work of a lifetime. And you have to leave yourself something to do for when you are old. So get stuck into it and don’t forget to chill. And you are already an extremely interesting and accomplished person.
    And i love the image I have in my mind of Amelia breakdancing. Maybe I could join her in a double act:)

    Reply

  8. Dinah Merrill
    Sep 18, 2010 @ 01:54:14

    What an incredible list!!! From the many things I have heard about you, you are already a very talented young woman, mother and lover (oops I meant lover of mankind sort of thing lol). Everyone should have goals and dreams and lists to strive for, and then serendipity comes along and there is a talent discovered and a goal reached that you did not even have on your list. Love life, strive for eternal values and find a way to find joy in serving and all those wonderful things on your list will envelope you and become a part of you. I love quilts and you and our very large family are all a part of my wonderful quilt of life. I adore you and your sisters, and can’t wait to see you all break dancing. Love ya xoxoxox A/Di

    Reply

  9. Kushla Chadwick
    Sep 21, 2010 @ 14:06:59

    I love your list. You’ll get it done. Don’t sweat it. Your thing for break dancing had me cracking up. I did hip hop classes for a while but got bored! Still it was great to know I tried it.

    Reply

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